I, Ted Dawson, would like to use this venue to formally announce my candidacy for President of the United States of America.
I will be running as an Independent Illustrator and as a write-in candidate. Early polls show me as a spoiler in a race that everyone is already bored with.
My platform consists of doing away with all but two of our six thousand nuclear warheads, using executive order to pass through the Freelance Writers and Artists Protection Act, taking back all the newspaper JOAs and re-establishing competition among newspapers, revoking all 53,000 presidential pardons issued in the past, establishing an Interstate Sidewalk System, and letting children eat free at all public restaurants. I will also eliminate congressional elections and establish a lottery for appointing citizens to the Senate and House of Representatives.
I will accept no donations, nor will I use any of my own money to run, as I don't really have that much. Therefore I will be the only uncorruptable candidate. I will also be doing no campaigning, as I have a family to support. I am willing to take this professional drop in stature because I love the potential my country has and, as president, would make more money than I currently earn.
My stance on some so-called Hot Button issues:
War in Iraq: War does not create Peace
Universal Health Care: How about Global Health Care?
Anna Nicole Smith: Get Over It
Intelligent Design in Schools: Just the facts, ma'am
Global Warming: Will actually make the world colder, which is weird
Gas Prices: Eliminate fast-food drive-thrus
Thank you for your vote. Now back to our regularly scheduled illustration blog.